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A modern Noah’s Ark August 20, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated my son, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He emailed Noah the CAD drawings, saying, “You have 4 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” He obviously didn’t realise the “summer” we’ve had but that would detract from the story !

Anyway four months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah crying in his cubicle sized back yard – but no Ark.

“Noah !” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain ! Where the hell is the Ark ?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it was a temporary structure. We had to go to an Bord Pleanála for a decision.”

Then the Department of Environment demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go ! I’m beginning to think I should’ve built the Ark in Tara …
When I started gathering the animals, the ISPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Protection Agency and the NRA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons as labour. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with previous Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 20 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Har Har



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