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Phrase of the Day #168 August 31, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”

– Peter F. Drucker

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Why tabloids are shite August 30, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery, Ireland & the Irish.
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Well there I was last Sunday, all set fora fabulous day out at the local car boot sale (well semi-local) so I decided to buy a tabloid Sunday paper that I could glance through in moments of quiet sales.  Far easier than opening a broadsheet (which I normally get and never finish) and dealing with pull out sections, free magazines and all sorts … Happy Days !

And so I bought the Star on Sunday, without really reading the headlines or looking to see what it was up to … and then I brought it out later to have a quick gander.  They normally have good sports sections and so on …

WHAT DRIVEL !  Within the first 10 seconds of reading the front page I quickly realised why it is that tabloids are shite and good for nothing more than gratuitous D-List celebrity flesh soon to be nothing more than winter fire kindling.

So what was the story that turned me off ?  Well, the good folks at the Star had decided that it wasn’t teens killing one another in Liverpool or our crap Health Service or Aer Lingus leaving Shannon that would make headline news !  It was some woman who – wait for it – committed a lewd act on the DART, don’tcha know !

Upon reading further into the “story” – Read more on Pages 4 & 5 – WOW ! – it appeared that this woman and some fella she’d just met decided to get rather amorous on the DART and proceeded to have a bit of how’s your father much to the astonishment of innocent passengers !  Apparently the poor oul wan in the seat opposite had a heart attack on the spot, not having been exposed to a mickey since she once saw her husband getting out of the bath ! BULLSHIT – if you read the story then the headline didn’t match !  Sure she didn’t even put out for the poor fella … and kept her clothes on !

Now that is a shock – “Woman charged with public indecency for keeping her clothes on !”.  So please stop reporting about shite hoping that the mention of a bit of nookie will sell your paper …

The difference between “Stop” & “Slow Down” August 29, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.
5 comments

I keep getting these jokes making fun of the English and feel compelled to post them – they’re a humoursome lot and will, I’m sure, see the funnier side.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda’s expense!!

Garda says,” License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Garda replies, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Garda says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Garda says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, now please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between “slow down” and “stop”, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Garda says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The lawyer gets out.

All of a sudden, the Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the shite out of the lawyer with it and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

Phrase of the Day #167 August 28, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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A bit of Irish wisdom ….

Health and a long life to you.
Land without rent to you.
A child every year to you.
And if you can’t go to heaven,
May you at least die in Ireland.

Mouth Noises. It’s just not right ! August 27, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery, Ireland & the Irish.
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Mouth noises on the radio have to be the most annoying thing ever on a Monday morning !

I refer of course, to the salivating, liquidy and horrible roof of the mouth slop sounds that eminate from in between some of our most prominent radio presenters’ utterances !

Aaarrgh – to me it’s like nails on a chalkboard or biting on cotton wool … sends shivers down me spine !

You know who you are mouth noise people – stop it !  It’s just not right !

PS : If you don’t know what mouth noises are, chew some gum and then take the slurpy, saliva filled sounds that your mouth makes with gum-juice and intermingle it with the weather report …

Huntin’ – Irish style August 27, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.
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Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six, and as Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says “The plane can only take four of those.”

The two lads object strongly. “Last year we shot six, and the pilot Let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can’t handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, “Any idea where we are ?”

“I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.” Says Mick

Phrase of the Day #166 August 24, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.”

Brendan Behan

An afternoon chortle August 23, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got problems with my hearing.

Doctor : “What are the symptoms ? ”

Patient: “Are they those yellow people on TV ?”

Hat tip :  JCSK

Denmark 0 – 4 Ireland August 23, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Sports.
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Denmark 0 – 4 Ireland

Yes, dear readers, your eyes are not deceiving you.  The understrength Boys in Green beat Denmark 4-0, away from home in a friendly international last night. Everything about the game – the result, the performances, the goals – was better than we have seen for a while.

Now in the past, I have been an ardent critic of manager Steve Staunton and his selections but credit where credit is due – they did well last night. I feel Darren Potter, Aiden McGeady and Shane Long did particularly well.

But let’s not get too carried away please.  Beating Denmark in a friendly will do nothing other than put the team in a good frame of mind for the upcoming matches against Slovakia and Czech Republic.  Beating one or both of those sides come crunch time in a competitive match is another thing entirely.

One of my colleagues roared “the glory days are back !” at me this morning as we passed in the corridor … not quite !

But well done fellas – good result, good attitude and please continue with the positivity.

Unsung Irish : Thomas Francis Meagher August 22, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in The Unsung Irish.
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Thomas Francis Meagher (pr. maa-her) was a 19th century Irish nationalist and revolutionary, known here in his home city of Waterford for, amongst other things, first flying the modern Irish tricolour from a building on the city’s Mall.

Born in 1823 and educated in Co.Tipperary, the young Meagher gained an early reputation for speaking in public, regularly drawing large attendances. Returning from a trip to France in 1843 – wherefrom he brought back what was to become the national Irish flag – the young Meagher fell under the influence of Daniel O’Connell.

In 1845, he became a founder member of the Young Ireland group, intent on repealing the Act of Union with Great Britain. The new group, however, favoured a more militant line of action that the likes of O’Connell.

Following the Young Irelander rebellion of 1848, Meagher and a number of colleagues were arrested and tried for treason against the crown. Following his now infamous speech at his trial where he said :

“My lord, this is our first offense, but not our last. If you will be easy with us this once, we promise, on our word as gentlemen, to try to do better next time. And next time —sure we won’t be fools to get caught.”

They were sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered but later had the sentence commuted to transportation to the penal colonies in Van Diemen’s Land. There, given relative freedom on the island, he continued to meet with his rebel companions, including Smith O’Brien and Terence McManus. In 1852, Meagher escaped the authorities and fled to America where he was to begin a new life. He was also to become well known in his new country.

Arriving in New York in 1852, Meagher studied law and journalism and began to be a popular lecturer, regularly giving talks along with his fellow escapee, John Mitchel. Later as a US citizen, Meagher served in the Union Army during the American Civil War.

He led the Irish Brigade and took part in the horrific battles of Antietam and Fredericksburg – his reports of those battles can be seen here and here, respectively. After some disagreements about reinforcements, he resigned from the army and server out the remainder of the war on the quieter Western front.

After the war, he was appointed secretary of the newly formed territory of Montana and soon after become acting governor. While trying to import supplies and weapons into Montana to fight the native Indian skirmishers, he fell into the Missouri river from the steamship G.A. Thompson and drowned. At the time, he was reported as having been drinking and as of having had mental problems.

A gallant looking statue now stands, complete with horse, tricolour and drawn sword, at the entrance of The Mall in his native city of Waterford.

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Phrase of the Day #165 August 22, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“That fellas about as useful as wallpapering fog !”

That’s what I call bad weather ! August 21, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in World Affairs.
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Weather – it’s a worldwide obsession … nowhere more so than in this country, where it starts 8 out of 10 of every conversation we ever begin. But if we think what we’ve endured over the course of this summer was “bad weather” then think again … we don’t know how lucky we are !

I refer, of course, to the impending misery that Hurrican Dean is about to unleash on the coast of Mexico. Yesterday, this 700 mile wide monster storm was heading for the Yucatán Peninsula on Mexico’s east coast … an area heavily dependant on tourism.  700 miles wide – just think about that the next time you look up into the sky and curse the grey clouds about to unleash a bit of drizzly rain onto Ireland.  700 miles – thats the distance from Paris to Barcelona.  A storm that big is unfathomable to us … authorities from places as far apart as St.Lucia and Lousiana are on full alert, hoping to avoid significant damage in what is only the first serious hurricane of the Atlantic season.

According to the National Hurricane Center in the USA, this storm can do catastrophic damage.  Not just blocked drains or muddy concert fields or cancelled golf outings !

Dictonary.com defines catastrophic as “a sudden and widespread disaster” …nothing would be safe … trees might come hurtling into your kitchen – wait no …. your kitchen would be f*cked too ! This storm can lift cars into the air and throw them hundreds of feet. On top of stuff ! and it can rip a person apart with its 165 kph sustained winds …

So from now on, here at the Rambling Man, and although it depresses us greatly, Irish weather will forevermore always be defined as “grand” …. as in “Today is a grand, soft day thank God.”

Bad weather where you are ?  You don’t know the half of it !

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A modern Noah’s Ark August 20, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.
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In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated my son, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He emailed Noah the CAD drawings, saying, “You have 4 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” He obviously didn’t realise the “summer” we’ve had but that would detract from the story !

Anyway four months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah crying in his cubicle sized back yard – but no Ark.

“Noah !” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain ! Where the hell is the Ark ?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it was a temporary structure. We had to go to an Bord Pleanála for a decision.”

Then the Department of Environment demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go ! I’m beginning to think I should’ve built the Ark in Tara …
When I started gathering the animals, the ISPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Protection Agency and the NRA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons as labour. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with previous Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 20 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Har Har

Phrase of the Day #164 August 18, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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The very first POTD as Gaeilge …

Titim gan éirí ort.
tit-im gon eye-ree urt

Means – May you fall without getting up !

Imagine having this condition ! August 17, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery.
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Imagine if you had this condition !

Genuphobia !

Having a knees up would never be the same again !

Hat tip : Annie

O’Driscoll flattened by punch August 17, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery.
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Ireland’s rugby captain, Brian O’Driscoll was flattened by an off the ball punch yesterday, leaving him with a suspected fracture of his sinus which could rule him out for up to a month. This places him in danger of missing a large part of Ireland’s upcoming world cup plans.

Yesterday’s match – a warm up of sorts – versus French side Bayonne was marred by several scuffles and no less than 5 yellow cards. The Ireland XV ran out comfortable 42-6 winners but the result will not be foremost in coach Eddie O’Sullivan’s mind this morning as his team face a mounting list of injury worries.

Such needless thuggery in rugby really upsets me. Sure, it’s a man’s game and all the rest of it, but there are some unsavoury characters out there. I’ve no problem with hard games and have been involved in many. But dirty play is something just horrible – it’s unfair and it robs teams unfairly of great chances.

Today’s Irish Independent which carries the story as it’s main sports headline, mentions that ex French player Richard Dourthe “gleefully exclaimed … his vengeful motivations in yesterday’s L’Equipe” newspaper … the last time he played for France, O’Driscoll starred in a 15-12 Irish win. Furthermore, this idiot was left on his arse yesterday when Gordon D’Arcy sidestepped him to set up Paul O’Connell for Ireland’s first try.

There seems to be some teams, good and all as they may be at the sport, that will also unnecessarily put the boot in if they think they can get away with it. In my opinion, teams like the All Blacks will not only kick your arse on the scoreboard but also on the field. And the reaction to the “spearing” incident, again involving O’Driscoll, on the last Lion’s Tour would seem to back this up. The French have a streak of this sort of stuff in them too …

Here’s hoping that the Irish captain can make a quick recovery and himself and Shane Horgan can play at least some part in our World Cup efforts.

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Walk a Little slower, Daddy August 16, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.
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“Walk a Little slower, Daddy.” said a little child so small.
I’m following in your footsteps and I don’t want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast, sometimes they’re hard to see;
So walk a little slower Daddy, for you are leading me.

Someday when I’m all grown up, You’re what I want to be.
Then I will have a little child who’ll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right, and know that I was true;
So, walk a little slower, Daddy, for I must follow you !!

– Anonymous

The world according to bricks August 16, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.
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HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyse the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have the whole place messed with bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Customer Service.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces and then blame the bricks when they can’t put them back together, put them in I.T.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more bricks, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Planning.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Management.

Finally if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Senior Management !

Phrase of the Day #163 August 15, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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Have you heard about Irish diplomacy ?
It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.

For all you Simpsons fans August 14, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery, Poetry & Humor.
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For all you Simpsons fans out there … Burger Crap King have gone and done good with this interesting idea – it’s a website where you can upload a photo of yourself and they Simpsonize it ! See how you would look as a character in the Simpsons …

You then get to choose from a whole range of face types, tweaks and add-ons … I don’t know how accurate it is and whether your photo makes any difference but it’s definitely worth a wee look … a bit finicky but worth perseverance …

Here’s me … A yellow Rambling ManA fine handsome fella don’tcha think ?

Hat tip 73man.

It’s official – God hates Ireland August 13, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Ireland & the Irish.
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God hates Ireland !

It’s official … no amount of praying or going to mass, making ham and cabbage sangwidges for 98 year old Mrs. McSweeney over the road or being friendly to thy neighbour and all that lark can do us any good whatsoever … God hates us and he’s even gone and got Himself a website just to prove the point !

I jest, of course … God doesn’t really hate us ! This idiot and his silly website do though, it seems. I’ll let the first few paragraphs of the diatribe on the page speak for themselves. Suffice to say that according to Fred, we’re all banjaxed because we’re all Satan loving sodomites. If he didn’t mean it, the website would be both hilarious in its outlandishness and provocative in the extreme.

I’ll take my chances with the powers that be (up there !) Mr.Phelps – I might fare a little better than you methinks …

The current Sky Sports advert August 13, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery, Sports.
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Has anyone seen the latest Sky Sports advert for the upcoming football season ?  It’s full of the usual razzle-dazzle, we’re the best TV station for football in the world ever, sort of a deal …

I caught the advert a couple of times yesterday while getting my fill of the new Premiership season (it’s been a long few months), and lo-and-behold wasn’t there a bit of Irish interest nearing the end of the advert.

It went something like this … “Join Sky Sports now, because we’ve got more live games than anyone else from ….” and then they started to list out the divisions they cover … Premiership, Championship, Scottish Premier league and so on …

“And we’ve even got great International Football from England …” – cue presenter standing in the middle of Wembley, surrounded by roaring fans …

“And Scotland …” – cue presenter standing in a stadium surrounded by the suitably clad Tartan Army …

“And the Republic of Ireland ! ” – cue presenter, you’ve guessed it, in a pub, surrounded by a pint toting, leprechaun hat wearing rabble …

This is what Sky Sports think of us, dear readers … “Sure we won’t even bother going to an Irish stadium (if we had one!) or gathering suitably clad supporters outside a fake stadium – we’ll just head to the nearest boozer, get locked and portray them that way !

Accurate indeed.

With apologies to the English … August 10, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Poetry & Humor.
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A Scot sent me this !

———————-

Paddy Leary was walking through a field and sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

Paddy shouts “Na ól an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo.”
(Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cowshit.)

The man shouts back “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you”.

Paddy shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”

Phrase of the Day #162 August 9, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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Murphy’s Law – the official version !

Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you expect.
And if anything can go wrong,
It will go wrong, at the worst possible moment.

Wasn’t Murphy the right funny man hah ?

Shopping hell ! August 7, 2007

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery, Ireland & the Irish.
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It’s a slow news day so I thought I’d post one of the more popular pieces I’ve written over the past year …

—————-

It’s a dilemma that every one of us has faced !  It’s Friday evening and anxious to get the weekend underway, you pop into the local supermarket for a few essentials.  Upon returning to the checkout area, you are confronted by utter carnage.  Queuing and the orderly concept of same is entirely lost on Irish people.

I think a lot of it might stem from innocence on the part of some of the older members of our society.  Enter the busy, determined little oul wan !  She arrives at the queue at the same time as you, trolley wheelie laden with items.  She didn’t get a regular trolley because sure, she was only gettin’ a fucking tonne of a few “messages” !   With a seemingly cursory glance at the queues, she sizes up her chances while unknowingly you are just stood there thinking you might as well stay in the queue you are in because its just as fast …

That’s how she gets you !  You persist with you original choice of queue and begin to get anxious when it beings to slow down.  The three people in front of you have all got baskets and the woman at the top of the queue has scuttled off to pick up some sugar – she went to the till first, you understand and then went to get the sugar while the counter assistant was beeping her groceries through …  sure wasn’t the sugar near the checkout !

Meanwhile, the old woman is making steady progress through the hordes at her queue and you decide to nip over and join the end of her line – its moving more quickly after all.  Then it happens – the seemingly brilliant strategist, the queue hopping, wheelie trolley toting oul wan gets to the front of your queue.  And all hell breaks loose …

 She has forgotten to get some dog food for her poor pooch so she scuttles off, oblivious, announcing where she is going at the same time as doing it … 5 minutes later she comes back with one tin of dog food and places it on the counter – suddenly the checkout girl stands up and says that the oul wan has forgotten to weigh her 2 oranges and she goes and does it for her.  You look up and your old queue is flying ! 

However, you are next in line to the oul wan and don’t want to make the same mistake twice so stay put !  WRONG !  When the total is rung up, out come the tokens and coupons.  First comes the glasses, then the bag, then the purse, then the tokens … the coupons are taken care of and the purse goes back into the bag.  It has just hit the bottom of the bag, when she realises that she needs the money that is in the purse so out comes the glasses, up goes the bag and out comes the purse again.  The cashier tells her the total. 

She rummages in her purse and then in the bottom of the bag and eventually holds out her palm with a huge pile of shrapnel in change before her … “Can you see what I have there ?” she says to the cashier, who not having an adequately solid grasp of the woman’s dialect, looks at her as if she has three heads.  You are so engrossed in the unbelievability of the situation that you don’t care you are late for work – you just want to see this thing through !

Eventually, it all comes to a head and you offer to help the lady with her shopping by packing it into her wheelie trolley but she politely refuses saying she can manage herself !  And then to top it all off, the cashier starts beeping things from your basket through before the bloody oul wan has half her stuff off the counter …

You run for the door, transaction completed in the time it’d nearly take to circumbloodynaviagate the planet, thinking you’ll have to take a quick taxi back to work only for the said oul wan to have magically transformed into a merely semi-wretched oul wan who steals the cab from under your nose.

You make a note to self to make your wife agree that if she ever sees you do something like that oul wan, she’ll have you put in a home !