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Phrase of the Day #51 November 13, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“Jaysis the tide wouldn’t take that one out.”

Explanation : Such is the desperateness of the lass in question, she’d have a hard time courtin’.

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Rip off magazines November 9, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Ireland & the Irish.
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Without paying too much attention to the price I was actually paying, I’ve just bought a computer magazine from my local book store monopoly. Later, at my desk, when taking it out of the bag, I noticed I had paid the handsome price of € 8.86 ! and it’s not even a glossy, sturdy looking magazine that you normally might associate with the higher price bracket.

The story of imported magazines from “across the water” or anywhere other than Ireland being really, really expensive is one that has been well known for ages. Something that is reasonably cheap in another currency is always hiked up a bit (or a lot !) here. The magazine I am referring to above takes the absolute piss in this regard.

I wonder does anyone have any suggestions as to why something that costs £ 3.99 in the UK, costs € 8.86 here, when £ 3.99 sterling equals € 5.92 ? Is it a case of we’ll throw a few euro on to the price – sure everyone knows magazines are fierce expensive.

In order to try and dig a little deeper, I looked inside the cover of this magazine at the publishing details etc. This little publication has had quite a journey … it’s published in the euro zone (Germany) and edited and written by Germans. It’s then published, printed and bound in Germany on behalf of a London publishing house and marketed at a UK price. It’s distributed from Scotland. There isn’t, as far as I know, an English language version of the magazine marketed “on the continent”, so hence the prices only in sterling. Maybe if there was an Irish publishing house writing, printing, binding and publishing a magazine here, it would be cheaper ? I don’t know – but it’s always something that vexes me when I have to pay over the odds for magazines and books and don’t really get much of an explanation as to why there is such a difference …

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Phrase of the Day #50 November 9, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“She has a face on her like a constipated greyhound !”

Explanation : Imagine that – all hunched over and scowling.

How not to write a menu board November 8, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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I just can’t help it. I’m a nuisance stickler when it comes to correct spelling. My opposition to the scrawled laziness that appears these days on advertising and menu boards could correctly be described as vociferous. It would even put me off going into a place.

Take the following example. A new restaurant-cum-bar has just opened a few streets away from my office and I sauntered over today to take a look. If it impressed me, I was going to take the plunge and go in. Then I see this sign at the front door … Mother of God people, don’t you know it’s almost illegal to write as badly as this ?

tomateos.jpg deeffried.jpg

So here’s a few (brazen) suggestions on how to write your menu board properly.

  • Hire someone who will competently write the menu board and have someone read what is written before it goes on public display (with your restaurant’s name on it !)
  • Put the menu board on a flat surface (i.e. the table) when writing. Do not write it when it’s in situ and you are on your knees. Failure to do this will soon have the board looking like a 5 year old wrote it and ensures the writing will be akin to a dehydrated maggot in its last throws of life shinning across the surface.
  • Don’t use A miXture of small and CapS letters because it looKs ShiTe.
  • The board has your restaurant’s name on it and bad grammar and spelling makes you look like a big eejit.
  • There is no such fruit/vegetable as a “Tomateo” nor is there a fish accompanying sauce called “Tarture”.
  • “Fried Pepper Chicken” is about the least appetising dish I’ve ever heard of !

It’s just not on !

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Phrase of the Day #49 November 8, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“He’s so blind, he couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel.”

Explanation : One for all the strikers in the world who just can’t score …

A half a rasher ! November 7, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Ireland & the Irish.
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I didn’t even know that these new half-rashers were on the market !  But not satisfied with only putting one rasher and one sausage in their €4.50 breakfast rolls of a morning, the local café now only serves half-rashers for breakfast !

halfrasher.jpg

I didn’t cut it – it just came out halved !  Can you just imagine the chef in the kitchen – “Ah they’ll have enough in the half so I’ll just cut the end off this one …”   What is this country coming to when rashers are being halved !

Phrase of the Day #48 November 7, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“Sure that fellas about as sharp as a sack of wet leather !”

Explanation : Think about it – wet leather in a sack – not a great measure of sharpness.

A sign of the times November 6, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery.
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Deary me … One wonders what sign writers think when asked to do stuff like this …

pfree.jpg

Taken last year, outside the Co-Op in Auchterarder, Scotland, in case anyone thinks I’ve nicked it …

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Phrase of the Day #47 November 6, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is.
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“She’s like a bottle of stout !  Empty from the neck up.”

Explanation : Dedicated to all those who just don’t belong …

If there’s an upside to spam … November 2, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery.
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If there’s an upside to spam it’s got to be the classic names that some emails come into my inbox displaying.

Names like Forrest Goulox or Destiny T. Fernandez !  Now with a name like that Forrest can only be a fine, upstanding and reputable member of the online selling community right ?  It appears good old Forrest is pedaling watches and silk ties … just what I’ve always wanted.   How did he know ?

I, like the rest of the world, wish the spammers would just foxtrot-oscar and that mails from “John”, “XYZ Bank” or “You Friend” or even better just ” ” would at least try to be funny if they insist on ending up in my inbox.   Names like Forrest Goulox and his accomplice Diego Davidson (weight loss powder) just make me laugh – does anyone actually reply to these guys and even buy stuff from them ?  Is there anyone that naive left in cyberspace ?

Mind you my much loved but slightly elderly aunt once asked me did I know anyone called Damon Mailer who might be writing to her because she didn’t !  I’ll let you work that one out.  I just said I didn’t know anyone called that. 

My mother rang up about a cruise too and my mate from work wrote back in person to His Royal Highness Prince Abdullah Okimweyo (the son of the former PM of somewhere in Africa, don’t you know) and asked him to meet him in the local Sisters of Mercy car park at midnight the following Friday with his cut of the $15 million dollars the Prince had “acquired” and that if he could have it in 10s and 20s that’d be great – create less suspicion …

Ah, spam and the spammed – the perfect relationship … 

Trick or Cheat ! November 1, 2006

Posted by Rambling Man in General Bloggery.
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Well ’tis the season to be scary … or so we thought. It seems the little ‘uns around these parts would much rather throw shit bombs at people’s doors in the middle of the night than knock on them trick or treating !

We had only one single solitary sorry seeming Santa (great alliteration !) call to our door last night. It was one of the kids from down the road – maybe 7 or 8, all dressed up as none other than Santa Claus himself – nearly two whole months early !

“Who are you supposed to be ?” says I upon opening the door to something looking akin to a hard up, miniature postman with 3-sizes too big wellies, an old Christmas hat, pillowcase and wait for it … a cut off pair of grey boxers for a beard ! I shit you not ! “Who are you supposed to be ?” I said … “Santy !” says yer man – “Well you look more like Santa’s little helper to me !” says I, trying in desperate vain to inject a bit of humor into the situation, as all he had previously said grunted was “Have ya antin for me Hallaweeen party ?” whilst thoughtfully holding out his mingin looking pillow case.

“No”, he insisted “I’m the real Santy !” and with that, his mandarin orange and little bag of sweeties safely procured, he wandered down the garden path complete with “pilla case” slung over his shoulder. He was the only one – the whole night – and apart from the poor dog diving for cover under the kitchen table and the young wan not going to sleep till 2am because of the damn bangers, it was just like any other night …

I just regret that taking a picture of “the real Santy” and his boxer short mustachioed face in order to blog it, would’ve surely broken some child protection law somewhere …